Alien Protest

Alien Protest

protest fistSetting: Outside a capital building, a group of angry protesters waving signs that say “Deportation Now” or other anti-immigration rhetoric.

Protester 1:  Down with Aliens! Down with Aliens! Send ’em home!

Protester 2: Build a wall! Build a wall!

(2 new protesters show up)

Protester 3: My brothers! We have come to join you! We are also against aliens!

Protester 1: Welcome! Do you have signs?

Protester 4: We just made them last night!

Protester 1: Great! Our chant is “Down with Aliens”

Protester 4 gives a sign to his friend. It is a drawing of a space alien. He waves it and shouts the slogan.

Protester 2 joins in.

Protester 1: Stop! Hold on. What’s on your sign?

Protester 3: An alien. The worst kind. A gray. They don’t stop at probing cattle…if you know what I mean?

Protester 1: No. That’s not the aliens we’re talking about. We are protesting job stealers.

Protester 3: The lizard people? I hate those aliens too. I would have drawn a lizard person but the greys are so much easier. Round head, big eyes and just a line for the mouth.

Protester 2: Lizard people?

Protester 4: Lizard people live in the skin of humans and infiltrate the media and the government. We have had a lizard person as president since the 60s. They are everywhere. Real job stealers.

Protester 2: They steal your skin and your job. I saw that on “Men in Black” except it was a bug.

Protester 4: Hollywood only gets half the truth.

Protester 2: Whoa! It was a documentary!

Protester 1: No, no, no. That’s just a movie. We are protesting Mexican aliens. We want to build a wall.

Protester 3: A wall won’t keep ’em out. You got to have a lot of aluminum foil and underground bunkers.

Protester 2: I like bunkers. Are all aliens bad?

Protester 4: No. ET was ok.

Protester 3: ET was a myth!

Protester 4: No he wasn’t. Just because you don’t like Reese’s pieces doesn’t make him a myth. Just because you have a peanut allergy, doesn’t mean that aliens without it aren’t real.

Protester 1: ET??? What is going on here?

Protester 3: I am a half human/half alien hybrid. My peanut allergy clears shows that alien blood is not suited for life on this planet.

Protester 4: (taunting) Peanuts.

Protester 3: (recoiling) Brrrr.

Protester 4: (taunting) Peanuts.

Protester 3: (recoiling) Brrrr.

Protester 4: (taunting) Peanuts.

Protester 3: (recoiling) Brrrr. You’re giving me a rash on my 1/2 alien skin!

Protester 1: Peanut allergy? What does this have to do with building a wall?

Protester 2: Aliens can fly over the wall in their floating bicycles.

Protester: 1: You’re an idiot.

Protester 2: You can’t talk like in front of my new friends. I’m going home.

Protesters 3 and 4: ET go home! ET go home!

Protester 2 smiles and waves as he leaves.

Protester 1: You’re all idiots!

Protester 3 and 4: ET go home! ET go home!

Protester 1 throws up his hands and leaves.

Protester 3 and 4 wait for the protester to leave as they signal for the audience to be quiet. They give each other a high 5s and bring out new signs saying, “No one is illegal”

Protester 3 and 4: Equal rights for All! Equal Rights for All!





Posted in Activism, Snarky Skits | Leave a comment

Presentatarian Protest – Snarky Skits

LibrarySetting: Outside City Library

News Anchor Bob: Tonight on News Room 13: Last week, we reported that a local member of our fair city was granted permission to declare his philosophy, “Presentarianism”, a federally recognized religion. Mr. Jim Bottoms, whose real estate business, Bottoms Up, went bankrupt in 2008, declared himself a prophet of what he calls “Now Think”. He stated that an invisible angel named Og told him to speak only in the present tense.
This week, Mr. Bottoms is currently in front of the city library waving a protest sign. Our on-the-street reporter, Stephanie Times, is coming in live on this development.
Stephanie? Are you there?

Stephanie: I’m here, Bob. Mr. Bottoms is over by the steps with a sign reading “Og Hates Past Tense”. He is distributing flyers on how to donate money to Presentarianism and is yelling abusive comments to patrons.

Mr. Bottoms: <chanting> Now Think! Now Think! Now Think!

Bob: Can you get in closer to get a few words with him?

Stephanie: I’ll try Bob. He is surrounded by an angry crowd of library patrons that are complaining that his chants are distrusting their reading. Mr. Bottoms! Mr. Bottoms! Can we speak with you, sir?

Mr. Bottoms: As long as we are speaking in present tense, I am happy.

Bob: Oh dear God.

Stephanie: Whew. Ok. I am eager to speak with you. I have faith in my ability to keep up, sir. Tell me why you are protesting at the library.

Mr. Bottoms: You are doing well. I am a Presentarianist. The library has books published in past tense. That is against my religion. To make it worse, this is a public institution. The city is subverting my right to practice my religion.

Stephanie: So you are saying that by serving a as public collection site for books written in the past tense, your right to practice Presentarianism is being violated?

Mr. Bottoms: Correct. I  am suing this city for violating my rights!

Stephanie: These people clearly don’t feel that these books violate their own religion. Are you saying that your religious views trump the views of others?

Mr. Bottoms: That is correct.

Stephanie: Isn’t this protest designed to gain attention for your new religion so you can attract more followers?

Mr. Bottoms: Maybe. The more people are hearing the words of Og and are saved.

Librarian: Hey! You! Off the premises. The cops are on their way to evict you. I called them 10 minutes ago.

Mr. Bottoms: I only speak in present tense! You have to say “I am calling the police”.

Librarian: I don’t belong to your money grubbing cult. I can talk anyway I want.

Mr. Bottoms: Oppressor! Oppressor!

Librarian: Sh! This is a library. Lower your voice. Leave now or I will have you arrested.

Mr. Bottoms: Future tense? Oppressor! Og is commanding me to silence you!

Stephanie: Whoa! Did you see that, Bob? Mr. Bottoms just punched the librarian! Are you okay sir?

Librarian: No one pushes me in my own library! This is a house of learning!

Stephanie: Sir? Sir? Whoa! The librarian just hit Mr. Bottoms.

Mr. Bottoms: You hit me! I’ll see you in court!

Librarian: Was that the future tense, you fraud?

Stephanie: Mr. Bottoms stop hitting the librarian with your sign!

Bob: Get all this on camera, Stephanie! They are rolling on the floor punching each other. That librarian has a good right hook. Is that a police siren in the background?

Stephanie: They just got here. The police have both of them in handcuffs. Looks like it’s over for now but I’ll return with more updates. This is Stephanie Times reporting for News Room 13. Over and out.

Written by Sue Sierralupe – All rights reserved

Want more snark? Download Chaos Theory Radio episodes for free!

Posted in Snarky Skits | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Life on the Street – Occupy Medical Tales

Occupy Medical to the Rescue

Occupy Medical to the Rescue

Occupy Medical clinic sets up every Sunday in downtown Eugene, Oregon. It is a free street clinic being run as a living example of what patient driven care looks like. This is how single payer changes healthcare. It brings humanity back into a dynamic that is currently run by insurance companies and out of touch administrators.

One of our teams is the support service team which tends to mental health and social service. This is a story from Ken Neubeck, one of our support service leads, told in sections as it transpired. The problem is sadly commonplace. The solution – less common.

December 14, 2015 – Today was the first time I was shaken in my Occupy Medical duties. And made very angry. The serious state of a homeless middle-aged couple whose belongings and bedding were soaked from recent rain storms and whose things got taken away by the City of Eugene while both were at the hospital ER was the trigger for me. They have no shelter or dry clothes and slept outside last night in garbage bags with holes cut in them for head and arms. God knows where they are sleeping tonight.

The woman of the couple has some serious health problems, apart from anxiety attacks from reflecting on their plight. She sobbed as she told this story. No one should have to live this way. No one.

I will be working with them tomorrow to get their belongings back from the City, drying their clothes and bedding at the laundromat, and protecting their leaky tent from water pooling up inside by getting them a tarp to go over the tent. They need to be warm and dry, first off, before they can effectively start addressing their health and other problems. This case was only one click on my tally counter. Eugene needs do get on top of homelessness before such good people die from neglect and City policies.

December 15, 2015 – Today I was able to get a couple’s previously confiscated tent and belongings (clothing, medications, eyeglasses) back from Public Works storage where they were held for three weeks. We also dried the few things salvageable from their current very wet tent at the laundromat. The couple has arranged a warm safe place to sleep for tonight and then will seek to camp once again, this time warm and dry.

It would be nice if they could settle into a place like Nightingale Health Sanctuary, given the regular care-giving needed by one of the two partners who has a disability and a number of health problems. But at least for now they are safe, warm and their stress levels have plummeted since they came to Occupy Medical yesterday.

December 21, 2015 – The couple has been offered camping space on private land belonging to the male partner’s previous employer. He has also been offered his job back with that employer. So the couple is stabilized and were in good spirits when I saw them on Sunday at Occupy Medical. What a difference from when I met with them only a week before at OM and they had just about lost all hope.

There are so many folks like this out in the cold, just trying to hang on. It is criminal that so many people lack housing, and then are cited, fined, and often their tents and belongings taken away on top of it. If you wanted to invent a policy to shorten the lives of deeply impoverished people, criminalization of homelessness would be that policy. Ironically, today is National Homeless Persons’ Memorial Day, dedicated to remembering our unhoused neighbors who have died in the streets. We need to abolish the conditions that make such a day even necessary.

Note from Sue: As the clinic manager, I have heard stories like this from many different volunteers and many different patients. This one stood out because it had a quick remedy. Keep in mind that this solution is temporary at best.

All of our citizens can get a camping citation for sleeping outside or even for simply sitting on a blanket outdoors. This constant barrage of costly citations keep the unhoused in an oppressive cycle of terror. How do they escape the cycle and find housing, a job and stability? It is simple: get rid of the camping ban. We are Americans. We can do better by our citizens.

Posted in Activism | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

GOP Therapy Night – Snarky Skits

Donald TrumpSetting: Psychologist’s Office

Psychologist: Group 1? Group 1? Mr. Cruz, Mr. Rubio and Mr. Trump? Come in and find a chair, please.

Trump: You expect me to sit on a metal folding chair? These are for peasants!

Cruz: What kind of an operation are you running here, lady? <attempt at Bart Simpson impression action> Cowabunga!

Rubio: Ah, quit your griping. Just sit down and let’s get this over with. I got a campaign to run.

Trump: Rubio, your campaign is stupid. No one is going to vote for you.

Rubio: Shut up, Trump! You’re stupid. You’re the whole reason we’re in this counseling shit in the first place. If you hadn’t pressed the anti-immigration thing with your “Muslims should be barred from the US” rant, the GOP would never have mandated the namby-pamby shrink session!

Psychologist: Really? Gentlemen, please sit down. Mr. Rubio is correct in that the Republican Party asked me to meet with all the candidates in small groups as a sign of good faith to the voters. I am supposed to release a report stating that each of you are sane enough to be considered a reasonable leader.

Cruz: <As Ned Flanders> Oakaley dokaley, neighbor!

Psychologist: Let’s keep the Simpson character impersonations out of this session, Mr. Cruz. We’ll jump right in to the main topic, shall we? What is the first thing you think of when you think of immigrants? Mr. Cruz?

Cruz: Immigrant should be banned! It’s bad for America. Keep those Spanish speakers out of the system.

Psychologist: Mr. Cruz, it is interesting that you specify Spanish speakers as your own father Rafael, an Immigrant from Cuba, speaks Spanish. Your name is also Rafael but you go by Ted. Is there a reason for this?

Cruz: I just like Ted. It’s my favorite name. My mommy calls me Ted.

Rubio: You’re a god damn immigrant! You were born in Canada! Don’t give me that BS about renouncing your Canadian citizenship! You haven’t even filed out the papers! You’re an immigrant. Go back to Canada and stop taking our jobs!

Psychologist: Calm down Mr Rubio.

Cruz: Yeah, Rubio! Don’t talk to me about citizenship! Both of your parents are immigrants, at least I had an American mother.

Trump: Looks like we got a bunch of criminals and drug lords right here in the room.

Rubio: <outraged> I beg your pardon?

Trump: All you anchor babies are pushed out of your countries because of your crimes. When I, Donald Trump, become president, I will deport the lot of you.

Cruz: Anchor babies? You should talk. You were married to an immigrant. That means your kids are anchor babies. Are you going to deport them too?

Trump: My children are full blooded Americans! My ex wife, though, yeah…. I would deport Ivana in a heart beat. That bitch.

Rubio: So this is about you wanting to get your vampire of a wife off your neck? You’re throwing up the immigrant flag because you aren’t man enough to have her taken out?

Trump: She has very good body guards.

Pscychologist: Mr. Trump! Are you suggesting that you planned to murder your ex wife?

Trump: Hey! I’m the honest candidate here. I’d murder Cruz’s mother if it bought me time on YouTube.

Cruz: My mother? You want to murder my mother?

Trump: You should thank me. She hates you.

Cruz: No!!! Mommy! <Starts crying>

Rubio: Now look what you started!

Trump: Eh, you Cubans are such babies.

Rubio: Take that back!

Psychologist: Gentleman! Stop fighting! Mr. Trump put down that chair! Mr. Rubio give Mr. Trump his toupee back! No, do not stomp on it! Mr. Cruz, please get out of your fetal position and stop crying.

<sound of crying and fighting continues>

Psychologist: I have to declare these guys fit for leadership? This is going to be a long night.


Written by Sue Sierralupe – All rights reserved

Want more snark? Download Chaos Theory Radio episodes for free!

Posted in Snarky Skits | Tagged | Leave a comment

Capitol Hill Santa – Snarky Skits

santaSetting: Santa’s Congressional Spending Workshop

Santa: Ho, ho, ho! Gather round children. I have toys for all the good little boys and girls here at Capitol Hill.

<children’s voices>

Santa: One at a time, one at a time. Ho, ho, ho. Ok, little boy, what’s your name?

Defence Contracts: My name is Defense Contracts. I represent billions of dollars in unaccounted waste which hasn’t been audited in over 20 years.

Santa: Ho, ho, ho. Have you been a good little boy this year?

Defense Contracts: Sorry Santa, that information is classified.

Santa: Not to Santa, little boy. Do you want a present this year?

Defense Contracts: I want 496 billion dollars but if you ask questions like that, we may need to discuss whether the North Pole is a terror target or not. Some of those reindeer dropped questionable poop bombs last Christmas. I wouldn’t want to send in a drone or 2.

Santa: Uh, Ok. Point taken. I’ll have to talk to our head elf, Obama, about that one. Until then, little Defense Contracts, here’s a couple of shiny new jets to play with.

Defense Contracts: Hooray! These are fun!

Santa: Be careful. Those cost 10.6 billion dollars.

Foriegn Trade: My turn!

Santa: Aren’t you a big boy? What’s your name?

Foriegn Trade: I’m Foriegn Trade. I want approval of the TPP for Christmas.

Santa: That’s a pretty big present for a little boy.

Foriegn Trade: It’s what I want and I always get what I want. I asked to get the lowest international tariff rate for goods being brought to the US and I got it. 1.3%. This is why so many jobs left the country and we import most of our manufactured goods. Now I want the TPP. I want it now!

Santa: Now see here, little Foriegn Trade, you should be happy with your tariff rate. Lots of other children in America have lost their jobs and are paying higher taxes in order to make up for the dent in federal income that low tariffs represent.

Foriegn Trade: I don’t care about American children. They should just work harder because they’re lazy. I want my TPP! I want my TPP! If you don’t give it to me, I will expose your elf slavery allegations to the world!

Santa: Now, now son. I will talk to Obama Elf and see what we can do for you. Look what I have for you: a Cayman Island tax dodge! Now go play with your accountant friends and be a good boy. Who’s next?

Women’s Healthcare: Me! I’m next! May I have my turn now?

Santa: Aren’t you a sweet natured child? Were you a good little girl this year?

Women’s Healthcare: Yes, I was! I provided vital heathcare services and education for over 4 and 1/2 million Americans.

Santa: My goodness! You have been a busy girl. What’s your name, sweetie?

Women’s Healthcare: I’m Women’s Healthcare but most people call me Planned Parenthood.

Santa: By the Glow of Rudolf! You weren’t a good girl! You have been selling baby parts. Bad girl. No presents for you.

Women’s Healthcare: Now wait a minute! Are you talking about the video that mean kid, Whack Job Religious Extremist, made about me? I do donate fetal tissue with the patient’s consent and I ask for a donation from the research facility that we donate the tissue to to cover expensive transportation costs. Most hospitals do the same. That doesn’t mean I’m selling baby parts!

Santa: Hmmm. Well, that is a good point but you’ve seen how this system works. Do you have any potentially embarrassing information on me or my set up in the North Pole? Nothing on a potentially virulent STD for example?

Women’s Healthcare: I would never use patient information against them. That’s immoral!

Santa: Whew! What a relief! What do you want for Christmas?

Women’s Healthcare: I’d like my funding renewed so we can help more citizens both here in the US and around the world. We believe healthcare is a human right.

Santa: Eh. We’ll see about that. Until then, here’s a lump of coal to play with.

Women’s Healthcare: Ugh! This coal is waving a sign that says “Stop Choice”.

Santa: Have fun with that and here is a little doll to play with. It’s an acitve shooter doll called “Bug Eyed Joe”.

<sound of gunfire>

Women’s Healthcare: Argh! That hurts! Put it back in the sack! Put it back in the sack!

Santa: Nonsense! All girls like dolls. Merry Christmas everyone!


Written by Sue Sierralupe – All rights reserved

Want more snark? Download Chaos Theory Radio episodes for free!

Posted in Snarky Skits | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

The War on Christmas – Snarky Skits

elf on shelfSetting: The War on Christmas Officer’s Tent

General: Fellow soldiers, thank you for coming to this meeting. I know that the troops are disheartened right now. We have taken heavy losses.  We have all taken a beating but if we can just hold ground for another month, we can regroup and make real progress.

Captain: Sir, the War on Christmas is heating up in my zone. We have Peanuts and Rudolf Christmas specials scheduled on cable and people are downloading Bing Crosby at an alarming rate. What about the Starbuck Strategy? Is there any good news on that front?

General: Major Ads has the update on that battle. Major, the floor is yours.

Major Ads: Thank you General. As you all know, the Starbuck Stategy was not part of our defense system but was adopted when the enemy intercepted a transmission. We have adopted it as a strategy but the going is slow. There are too many complications. You have a question, Sergeant?

Sergeant: Sir, I haven’t had a chance to review the files on this mission. Are we talking about the Starbucks Seasonal Coffee Cup that was released in November of 2015?

Major Ads: Yes, ma’am. That is correct. The cup is Rudolf Red with a Yuletide Green corporate logo on it. We originally thought of it as a defeat since they are Christmas colors but when a video was released mocking it as being “anti-Christmas” due to its lack of Santas or mistletoe, it became a battleground.

General: The Starbuck’s cup was a loss at first. Now the enemy is dragging this red, Christmasy cup around like a prisoner of war. We had to send in a rescue mission.

Captain: The Starbucks cup is basically serving as double agent. War makes for some strange bedfellows, Sargeant.

Sargeant: Yes sir.

Major Ads: I took this leadership position back during the Florida Nativity Scene Battle of 2013. We lost a lot of good soldiers in that war but I saw it move into Nebraska Nativity Scene Battle of 2014. More people joined our ranks as they saw the  importance of not having a religious holiday pushed in the face of people of a different religion.

Sargeant: Yes sir. I too, joined because I believe in the separation of church and state.

Captain: I wonder if we are getting battles like the Starbuck Strategy handed to us to distract us from the real battle. It’s not about reindeer earrings or snowman cupcakes. It’s about making America safe for all citizens, no matter what their religion.

<Captain, Major and Sargeant join hands behind General and start humming the end theme to the Grinch that Stole Christmas. General takes center stage facing audience. >

General: The War on Christmas isn’t about ribbons. It isn’t about tags. It isn’t about packages, boxes or bags. Maybe the War on Christmas can’t be fought in a store. Maybe the War on Christmas means a little bit more. <pause>
I feel like my heart is growing 3 sizes this day.


Sergeant: Incoming! Everyone under the table! Dunkin Donuts cups at 3 o’clock!


General: There are festive styrofoam coffee cups as far as the eye can see. Oh, the humanity! Let’s get out there and kick some Christmas ass, soldiers!

All: Yes, sir!

<sound of running>

Captain: But sir, what about your heart and real meaning of the War of Christmas?

General: This is no time to think, captain! We were just attacked! Man your station! If they want Joy on a petroleum based coffee cup, we’ll show them Joy! On Facebook, on Twitter, on Instagram and Reddit! To the top of the fence, to the top of the wall, come dash away, dash away, dash away all!

Captain: (dejectedly) Yes, sir. I guess some things never change.


Written by Sue Sierralupe – All rights reserved

Want more snark? Download Chaos Theory Radio episodes for free!

Posted in Snarky Skits | Tagged | Leave a comment

Ponzi’s Health Insurance – Snarky Skits

Healthcare for Several

Healthcare for Several

Setting: Insurance company office

Ponzi: Ah! It’s the Klepner family. Right on time! Sit down, sit down. Let’s get this meeting started. I am Mr. Ponzi. I will be explaining your health insurance options with Deep Pockets Insurance today.

Mr. Klepner: It’s a pleasure to meet you, sir. My company seems to have a lot of trust in you. They are referring all their employees to your office.

Ponzi: Yes, we have had a long standing relationship with your company but let’s get to business, shall we? There’s a football game tonight that I am sure you are excited to see.

Mr. Klepner: I saw that your company was sponsoring it too. Do you cover the players when they get injured?

Ponzi: We are not that kind of insurance company. We specialize in helping the little guy, the working warrior as it were. People like you and your family, Mr. Klepner. Our coverage is mostly for people that work behind the scenes. The janitors, retail clerks and ticket sales staff. Any popcorn related injuries are covered by us.

Mrs. Klepner: Popcorn related injuries? Are there many of those?

Ponzi: None so far, thank God. Here is a packet of the items that we cover for families such as yours. It also has the list of providers we have approved and our copay schedule.

Johnny Klepner: Look mom! Popcorn injuries are on this list too.

Ponzi: Yes, yes. Let’s just move on to the paperwork that you and Mrs. Klepner will be signing.

Johnny: Where are the rest of the things that you cover? This only has 6 things: popcorn related injuries, duck related injuries, hair tumors…

Mrs. Klepner: Hair can get tumors?

Johnny: … hang nails, leprosy, and paper cuts.

Ponzi: Paper cuts sure do burn. You’ll be glad you signed onto Deep Pockets Insurance after you get one of those. Here you go. Just sign here.

Mr. Klepner: Leprosy? That seems pretty specific. Do you get a lot of those claims?

Ponzi: It just takes one, sir. With the new restriction about not precluding any pre-existing conditions and the apparent contagious nature of this disease, our lawyers (our former lawyers, I should say) couldn’t get out of paying for that so now we all have to pay for it. Thanks Obama! Now just sign this form, sir.

Johnny: Dad! That paper says “Agreement to Sell Organs”. He’s trying to harvest your kidney, Dad!

Ponzi: Oops! Wrong form. What a sharp kid you have there. Maybe you’d like to get some candy from the candy bowl in the hall for the next 20 minutes.

Johnny: No, I’m good. Is that a bottle of chloroform?

Ponzi:  It’s just a decoration, kid.

Mrs. Klepner: According to this brochure, the co-pays start at $10,000. That is in addition to $1,000 per month premium.

Ponzi: I know that $1,000 per month per adult seems like a lot but little Johnny here is only $500 per month. We, at Deep Pockets, are family friendly. That’s a $500 monthly discount.

Mrs. Klepner: That’s more than my monthly income. That’s more than our mortgage! My job will be dedicated entirely to paying for insurance that we can’t use.

Ponzi: Time to ask for a raise! Here’s the form to sign and we will have that insurance card in the mail to you by the end of the month.

Johnny: Dad! It’s the same Organ Harvesting form! He’s after your kidneys again.

Mr. Klepner: What are you trying to pull, Mr. Ponzi?

Ponzi: An honest mistake, an honest mistake. Ah, here’s the form we need.

Mrs. Klepner: This one asks us to agree to sell our first born son into slavery. I am not signing that one either.

Ponzi: Are you sure? Did you see the discount you get on your monthly premiums for him? Look, you really don’t have much choice here. Your company signed exclusive signing rights with Deep Pockets Insurance. You wouldn’t want to pay the fine the government demands for not having insurance, would you?

Mr. Klepner: We are not signing any of these forms. This is extortion! The fine is less than one month of your premiums. We’d be better off paying that at the end of the year and trusting our luck. We are leaving!

Ponzi: You’ll be back, Klepner family! The first sign of leprosy or popcorn related injuries and you’ll come crawling back for my help! Let’s just hope you don’t get salt in those paper cuts on the way! They burn! Burn, I say!

<door slams>

Ponzi: If it weren’t for that meddling kid, I’d have a cooler full of organs right now! That’s another bathtub filled with ice wasted!



Written by Sue Sierralupe – All rights reserved

Want more snark? Download Chaos Theory Radio episodes for free!

Posted in Health | Tagged | Leave a comment

Martin Shkreli’s Big Idea – Snarky Skits

pillsSetting: Board meeting of Turing Pharmacueticals

<gavel sound>

Chairman of the Board: Attention, attention. The meeting of the Turing Pharmeceuticals Board will now come to order. The first item on our agenda is the Treasurer’s report.

Treasurer: Thank you Chairman. I am passing out a printed report of our cincome and spending over the last 3 months. I also included a graph with our stock prices in which you will note… Oh. Martin Shkreli, our CEO has just arrived.

Martin Shkreli: Oh hey, bros. Sorry about the time thing. I was tweeting with Donald Trump, yeah bro, THAT Donald Trump. He is one crazy dude.

Treasurer: Oh, I was passing out our financial statements. Here is one for you too.

Martin Shkreli: No, man. I’m cool. As long as you keep writing me those checks. Money, money, money. Know what I mean, dude?

Treasurer: I’m a female. You do know that, right?

Martin Shkreli: A chick that does math? Whoa. Crazy. Any way, I came here to tell you all that our fortunes are made! I just picked up a couple of awesome patents that are going to make us richer than our wildest dreams.

Board member: You had better have a good patent because your half baked plan to make money by upping the cost of that toxiplasmitosa drug backfired.

Chairman: Daraprim is the name of drug. Toxoplasmosis is the name of the disease.

Board member: I don’t care what it is called! This whipper snapper jacked the price 5000% and we got hit with a congressional investigation for it. Not to mention that other god damn company is selling their version of same pill for $1! Are you trying to crush our company?

Martin Shkreli: Whoa! Slow down old-timer. This is all part of master plan! Check this out. So I managed to grease some wheels and picked up the patent on aspirin.

Chairman: Asprin? That is an antique drug. It sells for $1 a bottle! Why would you do that?

Martin Shkreli: It sells for a buck a bottle NOW. Not after we get hold of it. I also picked up a patent on asthma inhallers.

Board member: Now we’re talking! Sales on those are skyrocketing. Air pollution is making those necessary all over the world.

Martin Shkreli: That’s not all. I picked up one more thing: a medical procedure. I bought the patent on breathing.

Chairman: Breathing is not a medical procedure.

Martin Shkreli: It is in China.

Treasurer: Mr. Shkreli is right, I’m afraid. According to the latest study, 1.6 million people die in China last year because of air pollution. I understand most of that has to do with the coal industry.

Martin Shkreli: Those numbers could easily be transferred to the US. The EPA has been under attack from both the Senate and Congress for the past 6 years.  All we have to do is pour our profits from the aspirin mark up into lobbying against the EPA and WHAM! We got coal plants everywhere! We’re selling asthma inhallers like nobody’s business and breathing becomes a medical procedure right here in the USA!

Board member: I can just see it now: iron lung machines as far as the eye can see. <sighs happily>

Chairman: Martin, you are brilliant. Sorry I ever doubted you.

Treasurer: I don’t know about this. It seems wrong. In fact, the whole concept is giving me a headache.

Martin Shkreli: A headache? I’m sorry dude. Want an aspirin?

Treasurer: Sure.

Martin Shkreli: That’ll be $1000.


Written by Sue Sierralupe – All rights reserved

Want more snark? Download Chaos Theory Radio episodes for free!

Posted in Health, Snarky Skits | Tagged | Leave a comment

Trick or Treat – Snarky Skits

pumpkinTrick or Treat 2015

Setting: Front porch of older woman

Grandma: Okay, kids! Enjoy your candy. You have a good Halloween. Yup. Watch your step! <closes door> What a bunch of cuties. Those were the tiniest ninjas I have ever seen.

<doorbell rings>

Grandma: My goodness. Such impatience.

<door opens>

Kids: Trick or Treat!

<doorbell still ringing>

Grandma: OK, little guy. You can stop ringing the doorbell now.

Kid 1: This is part of my costume. I’m a Telemarketer.

Grandma: You want candy, lay off the bell. What a fine collection of costumes. What are y’all dressed as?

Kid 2: I’m the 2016 IRS tax code and my brother here is dressed as an Inevitable Audit.

Grandma: Dear lord.

Kid 3: I’m Sexually Transmitted Ebola.

Grandma: That is honestly spooky. Well, it looks like your little sister is dressed up like Minnie Mouse. So many freckles. How cute.

Kid 3: Those aren’t freckles. Those are measles. She is the Oncoming Plague of Disease that is Preventable by Vaccines. At least we don’t have autism.

Grandma: Are you sure? What about you over there?

Kids: We are Congressional Funding Choices Based on Poorly Edited Hack Videos.

Grandma: Ugh. I just threw up in my mouth.

Kid 4: Don’t expect healthcare for that. This is Texas.

Grandma: Thanks for the reminder. Well, what about you dearie. You’re wearing a hood. You must be a vampire.

Kid 4: No, I am the Cloak of Loneliness that Enveloped the Men After Realizing the Only Women Interested in Their Ashley Madison Accounts Were Programmed Algorhyms.

Grandma: Well, that was vivid. Here’s the rest of my candy. I’m calling it a night.

Kids: Yeah! It worked again!

<doorbell rings a few more times>

Grandma: Ok, telemarketer. Stop ringing the bell. I get your costume. Good night, kids. Happy Halloween. <door closes> Those Duggar kids are getting creepier every year. Good thing I keep my therapist’s number on speed dial.



Written by Sue Sierralupe – All rights reserved

Want more snark? Download Chaos Theory Radio episodes for free!

Posted in Snarky Skits | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Two Fer Tuesday – Snarky Skits

USED CAR LOTSetting: Locally produced TV commercial

Announcer: Two fer Tuesday! Two fer Tuesday! Two fer Tuesday!
Grab the family and head on down to Honest Cal’s Used Politician Lot. We have acres of politicians available for your cause driving pleasure. We have congressmen, congresswomen, senators, governors, and state department leads of every model and color just waiting for you to test drive them.
This Tuesday and this Tuesday only we are running a special deal. Buy one politician, get another one of equal or lesser value free!

Customer: But I don’t have room in my garage for another politician. They take up so much room already.

Announcer: No problem! These politicians are gauranteed space savers! Take this model here.   This is a classic 1970 Wisconsin Congressional rep who was recently considered a candidate for the Speaker of the House role. He has voted aggressivley against the family leave act for years but listen to this baby purr:

Paul Ryan voice over: “I cannot and will not give up my family time.”

Announcer: Wants family leave but won’t grant family leave. Ya can’t bet that for hipocracy. You can look forward to decades of the same from this model.

Customer: Gee, that’s great! Now I can oppress working class families and still claim to be pro-family! What a deal!

Announcer: That’s right! And there is more where that came from. Is health and safety your Super Pac’s funding source? We have a wide variety of politicians with a service record of talking up healthcare while simutaneously trashing public health.

Customer: Hey, I own an insurance company. Pro-healthcare? That will threaten my bottom line.

Announcer: Have I got the used politician for you! This 1950 Arkansas governer has a long road record of battling the ACA and recently tried to ban Planned Parenthood access to all citizens of his state!

Customer: Well, sure. That’s got good traction over the lives of women and the poor but but I can’t let my customers know how much I’m fleecing them.

Announcer: Not to worry! Check out the rims on this workhorse:

Asa Hutchinson voice over: I want to start by thanking the physicians, the nurses and healthcare providers who have labored in the trenches of healthcare in Arkansas, improving our quality of life, working with those who need care. You have been on the front lines. You are committed. You are passionate. And I am grateful for you.

Customer: That sounds great!

Announcer: You bet it does and this Tuesday is the day to drive your own politician off the lot. Thanks to unlimited campaign finance rules, the selection has never been better.
Honest Cal has the politician for your Super Pac needs.
Two fer Tuesday! Two fer Tuesday! Two fer Tuesday! Get your Super Pac to Honest Cal’s Used Politician Lot today.
(Cash only. No refunds.)



Written by Sue Sierralupe – All rights reserved

Want more snark? Download Chaos Theory Radio episodes for free!

Posted in Snarky Skits | Tagged , , | Leave a comment