Johnny: Hey guys! Look at the game I got!
Dave: “Don’t break the Ice”. Cool! I remember this game from when I was a kid.
Sue: I used to play it at my grandma’s house. You set up the plastic ice blocks on a tray and stick a polar bear figure on it. You have to tap out blocks with a mallet on your turn but keep the polar bear from falling through. I haven’t thought of that game in years.
Johnny: This is an updated version. It’s digital. It has all kinds of special effects.
Dave: Let’s play. I will read the rules as we go. It can’t be that much different from when we were kids.
Sue: Wow! It’s a lot bigger than I remember. Here’s the polar bear. Check it out! There are plastic seals and snow owls and … oooh cute! A little plastic fox. All these tiny artic creatures. This is adorable!
Johnny: I’ll plug it in. Every one gets a mallet. Check it out! The mallet heads looks like oil rigs. That’s wierd.
Dave: According to the rules, we all pick a character. You can be an Inuit or a townsperson or an oil baron.
Johnny: I claim the Inuit!
Dave: Oil baron!
Sue: Oh, geez. Fine. I’ll be the townsperson.
Dave: Ok. We all start with tokens. Inuit gets 10 tokens. Townie gets 15 tokens. Oil baron gets 100 tokens and I get to tap the ice first. <tapping sound> So far so good. Now spin the spinner.
Johnny: It says, “Spill free Day” Spill free day? What does that mean?
Dave: That means that the oil baron gets 100 more tokens but has to give each of you 10 of his tokens as a jobs provider fee.
Sue: There is something leaking out of the bottom of this game.
Dave: It says here that that is the “Nothing to See Here” fluid. Now I have to buy a politician. That’s another 10 tokens. Damn it.
Johnny: Seriously? Are you complaining about losing 10 tokens? That’s nothing to you.
Dave: You should thank me for giving you jobs.
Johnny: Look, as the oil baron, you get 100 tokens per turn. As the townspeople and Inuits, we only get 10. If there is one more “Nothing To See Here” fluid leak, we have to start paying 5 tokens per turn to cover our healthcare costs.
Sue: Guys! Calm down. It’s my turn. I get to use the oil rig mallet now. <tapping sound> Oh, crap! The seal just fell through the ice. I didn’t even touch that block.
Johnny: Don’t move. I just saw the fox figurine tip over too. I’ll turn the spinner for you.
Sue: Spill? Damn it! Ugh! What’s that smell? It reeks like dead fish!
Dave: The game board is oozing black goo all over the table! It’s like a toxic Jumanji! It’s messy, loud and disgusting! This is not fun! Let’s send it back.
Johnny: Ummm. The guy at the toy store said I couldn’t return it. But some one in line said he played this before and gave me an address to mail it to if we didn’t like it.
Sue: Let me see the card we are supposed to send this stupid game to: Shell Oil Company. Perfect. I’ll get a box for the game and a ziploc bag for the slime.
Dave: Out of curiosity, as the oil baron, I got the most tokens. Does that mean I won the game?
Johnny: Nobody wins THIS game. Let’s get rid of it.
Written by Sue Sierralupe – All rights reserved
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