Mom: OK kids! Come on! It’s time to do the yardwork. Let’s get this done quickly.
Dave: Um, Mom? Johnny and I have been talking about this and we decided that we are going to “Kim Davis” this one?
Mom: I beg your pardon?
Dave: We decided that working today is against our religion.
Johnny: Saturday is the sabbath and we can’t work on the sabbath so we are just going to “Kim Davis” this and play video games instead.
Mom: You went to church twice with Grandma and when you came back, you both made me promise not make you go again. Besides, Lutherns don’t celebrate the sabbath on Saturday, they celebrate on Sunday.
Dave: Yeah, that’s another thing. Since the sabbath can technically be either Saturday or Sunday, we decided not to work weekends. You know, just to be on the safe side.
Johnny: Oh, and we decided that we are going to “Kim Davis” Uncle Donald’s party this week because he is serving shrimp cocktail and that’s also against our religion.
Dave: Yeah. That’s in Leviticus.
Mom: Oh, what verse?
Mom: I thought so. Are you sure that this has nothing to do with Uncle Donald beating you two at Star Craft last month?
Johnny: No … but I don’t want to talk about that.
Dave: That was beginner’s luck.
Mom: I see. Anything else that being Luthern is inspiring you to do?
Johnny: There is one more thing but we can talk about it later. We gotta go. We’ll be playing video games at Dan’s house if you need us.
Mom: Before you go, you should change your jeans. No rending of the garments are allowed so you better change to slacks. And another thing, David? You asked me about a tatoo after high school graduation? That’s out. Old Testament rule. Johnny? Your Star Wars figures? Need throw those out. Those are idols. Definitely a bible no-no.
Johnny: Those are collectibles!
Dave: Mom! We aren’t following ALL of the bible. We are doing it like Kim Davis is. We are just picking some of the bible.
Mom: I thought you would say that. Look kids, I don’t expect you to follow every rule of Christianity. If you are smart, you will use it as a guide for making more respectful and loving choices. However, you guys are just picking out-dated rules in order to justify lazy and irresponsible behavior. You are using a sacred text as an excuse for not fulfilling your promise to mow the lawn. That isn’t religion, that’s hipocracy.
Johnny: Mom! You aren’t respecting our religion!
Mom: If you boys are moving deeper into Christianity, that’s fine. I respect that. In this house, in fact in this country, we have to keep our promises. They are what makes us good citizens and good humans.
Johnny: Geez, okay, okay. You probably won’t like our other idea.
Mom: What other idea?
Dave: We were thinking of “Kim Davising” Mr. Krinkles.
Mom: The neighbor’s Chihuahua, Mr. Krinkles? That stupid dog that barks at me like a machine gun every time I go out to the car?
Johnny: Yeah but I don’t think you are going to like it.
Mom: How do you “Kim Davis” a Chihuahua?
Dave: <sighing> Well, we saw the movie “The Ten Commandments” on Netflicks and we were thinking about the animal sacrifice scene…
Mom: Are you proposing to sacrifice Mr. Krinkles on an altar to God?
Johnny: Well, kind of. Yeah. We weren’t really serious though. After he chewed through the fence and chased you into the house and then attacked those 3 police officers when you called 911, it just seemed like a good idea at the time.
Mom: God I hate that dog. It is pretty tough though. I didn’t know a 3 pound dog could chew through a chain link fencing that fast. I swear Mr. Krinkles feed off the fear in our eyes. I wish I had a video of him tearing the back fender off the police car as they drove away. No one at work believes me.
Dave: Anyway, we get it. Animal sacrifice is out. Right, Mom?
Mom: …. I’m thinking.
Mom: God wouldn’t take Mr. Krinkles anyway. That dog is too evil.
Dave and Johnny: Mom!
Written by Sue Sierralupe – All rights reserved
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