SWAT the Tailgaters – Snarky Skits

police car lightSetting: Tailgate party

Dad: This is the best tailgate party ever! We have a cooler full of beer, hot dogs on the grill and sky box seats to the first home game of the year! Go bulldogs!

<hooting and hollering>
<sound of a siren chirp>

Mom: Uh, oh! Ronald! Looks like the cops are taking you in! Too much football fever!

Son: Yeah, Dad, the cop is coming over to us. You’re in trouble.

Dad: <laughing> I’ll handle this, Nancy. What’s the problem officer?

Officer: Sir, are you the leader here?

Dad: Of my family? My wife may not think so but, yeah, I guess so.

Officer: Our city has no camping within city limits so I am going to have to ask you and your group to leave.

Dad: Looks like some one’s not a Bulldogs fan! Ha, ha!

Officer: I’m serious, sir. Tell your group to pack up and leave. There are homeless shelters here but since they are full right now, I will have to escort you and your group to the edge of town.

Dad: I beg your pardon? Are you serious? We aren’t homeless? We aren’t even camping.

Officer: You are sitting on blankets, drinking alcohol in open containers and you’re cooking food with an open flame? According to our city code, you are camping.

Mom: The BBQ? All of us are grilling something here. It’s a tailgating party. We are actually quite wealthy.

Officer: Unless you have your tax records with you to prove otherwise, this is clearly a homeless camp and a strict violation of city code. Is this your son?

Mom: He certainly is.

Officer: How old are you, boy?

Son: 16.

Officer: Why aren’t you in school?

Son: I got an excuse so I can go to the game.

Officer: Do you have any pants with you that aren’t torn?

Son: These came this way. I got them online from Abercrombie and Fitch.

Officer: Improperly clothed child out of school camping with a gang that is clearly under the influence. This is not safe. Um… sir! Stop that! No urinating in public.

Dad: Oh, that’s George. He can’t hear you. He took out his hearing aids after the vodka hit him. Look, I know this looks bad, but we aren’t homeless. We aren’t even camping. This is a football thing. It’s how we celebrate.

Officer: Not camping, eh? What about that lady? She’s asleep in her hummer.

Mom: Barbara? She hates football. She just comes for the free Jell-O shots then she passes out but Ronald is right. None of us are camping, it’s football tailgating.

Officer: Tailgating is a traffic offense as well. I got to call in back up. Dispatch? This is Officer Friendly. We have a situation. I have 30 to 40 homeless people out here that are refusing to leave the area. I need back up. One of them is armed.

Dad: Armed? We aren’t armed.

Officer: Put down the weapon, sir.

Dad: These are BBQ tongs. I am just turning the hot dogs so they don’t burn.

Officer: I said put it down!

<sound of taser>
<Mom screaming>

Son: Oh my God! Dad! He tasered Dad!

<sound of helicopters>

Officer: Here comes back up. Every one put your hands in the air. If you resist arrest the SWAT team will use force if necessary.

Son: Are those tanks?

Officer: Yes, they are. Just donated to our city by the US military. It is nice to be able to take them out for a run. Get in the cop car, son. The CSD officers will be here to take you to your new foster family in a few minutes.



Written by Sue Sierralupe – All rights reserved

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