The War on Christmas – Snarky Skits

elf on shelfSetting: The War on Christmas Officer’s Tent

General: Fellow soldiers, thank you for coming to this meeting. I know that the troops are disheartened right now. We have taken heavy losses.  We have all taken a beating but if we can just hold ground for another month, we can regroup and make real progress.

Captain: Sir, the War on Christmas is heating up in my zone. We have Peanuts and Rudolf Christmas specials scheduled on cable and people are downloading Bing Crosby at an alarming rate. What about the Starbuck Strategy? Is there any good news on that front?

General: Major Ads has the update on that battle. Major, the floor is yours.

Major Ads: Thank you General. As you all know, the Starbuck Stategy was not part of our defense system but was adopted when the enemy intercepted a transmission. We have adopted it as a strategy but the going is slow. There are too many complications. You have a question, Sergeant?

Sergeant: Sir, I haven’t had a chance to review the files on this mission. Are we talking about the Starbucks Seasonal Coffee Cup that was released in November of 2015?

Major Ads: Yes, ma’am. That is correct. The cup is Rudolf Red with a Yuletide Green corporate logo on it. We originally thought of it as a defeat since they are Christmas colors but when a video was released mocking it as being “anti-Christmas” due to its lack of Santas or mistletoe, it became a battleground.

General: The Starbuck’s cup was a loss at first. Now the enemy is dragging this red, Christmasy cup around like a prisoner of war. We had to send in a rescue mission.

Captain: The Starbucks cup is basically serving as double agent. War makes for some strange bedfellows, Sargeant.

Sargeant: Yes sir.

Major Ads: I took this leadership position back during the Florida Nativity Scene Battle of 2013. We lost a lot of good soldiers in that war but I saw it move into Nebraska Nativity Scene Battle of 2014. More people joined our ranks as they saw the  importance of not having a religious holiday pushed in the face of people of a different religion.

Sargeant: Yes sir. I too, joined because I believe in the separation of church and state.

Captain: I wonder if we are getting battles like the Starbuck Strategy handed to us to distract us from the real battle. It’s not about reindeer earrings or snowman cupcakes. It’s about making America safe for all citizens, no matter what their religion.

<Captain, Major and Sargeant join hands behind General and start humming the end theme to the Grinch that Stole Christmas. General takes center stage facing audience. >

General: The War on Christmas isn’t about ribbons. It isn’t about tags. It isn’t about packages, boxes or bags. Maybe the War on Christmas can’t be fought in a store. Maybe the War on Christmas means a little bit more. <pause>
I feel like my heart is growing 3 sizes this day.

<siren>

Sergeant: Incoming! Everyone under the table! Dunkin Donuts cups at 3 o’clock!

<explosion>

General: There are festive styrofoam coffee cups as far as the eye can see. Oh, the humanity! Let’s get out there and kick some Christmas ass, soldiers!

All: Yes, sir!

<sound of running>

Captain: But sir, what about your heart and real meaning of the War of Christmas?

General: This is no time to think, captain! We were just attacked! Man your station! If they want Joy on a petroleum based coffee cup, we’ll show them Joy! On Facebook, on Twitter, on Instagram and Reddit! To the top of the fence, to the top of the wall, come dash away, dash away, dash away all!

Captain: (dejectedly) Yes, sir. I guess some things never change.

End

Written by Sue Sierralupe – All rights reserved

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