Biden For President: Like It or Not – Snarky Skits

BidenSetting: Radio Broadcast

Dave: Tonight we have the privilege of interviewing current Vice President and future presidential candidate Joe Biden. Welcome to NPR, Mr. Biden and congradulations on your bid as Democratic nominee for the presidency.

Biden: Thank you for having me, Dave. It is very flattering that you are such a strong supporter but I am not running for president. It is very kind though. I am trying to get out of the lime light but President Obama talked me into this one last interview.

Dave: We are glad he did but you say you are not running? You mean not running yet. You stood strong in the debate last week against Hilary Clinton and we know that you will sweep the Democratic Convention this in 2016.

Biden: Again, that is very kind but I have family matters to attend to so I am not running. Also, I should mention that I was not one of the debators last week. Are you thinking of Bernie Sanders. We are both old white guys.

Dave: Ha, ha, ha. Bernie who? No, I was definitely thinking of you. Didn’t you read the NYTimes review of your performance? They loved you. I have a question. What did you mean when you said, “I don’t think the revolution is coming.” Does this make you a status quo candidate?

Biden: I never said that. Jim Webb said that and I am not a candidate. In regards to status quo, I am concerned about this in America. The president and I have been frustrated in our efforts to change the status quo to help low income Americans and the ACA (commonly known as Obamacare) was just one step in that direction. No one should vote for a status quo candidate. We need more change for America to survive.

Dave: Ha, ha, ha! Good point, sir. That’s why eveyone loves you. Now could you explain your take on building America’s credibility after the Iraq War? Ms. Clinton refused to respond to you after that comment.

Biden: She did not respond to me because it was Chaffee that made that statement. I wasn’t there and I am not running.

Dave: Well, it seems you are keeping us in suspense on that issue. Ok, we are running out of time, sir, but I wanted to congratulate you on your support of Clinton by making it public that no one cares about the email scandal …

Biden: (interrupts) That was Sanders.

Dave: … and your graceful exit notes on how well every one debated without tearing others down or making racist remarks.

Biden: That was O’Malley. How many times do I have to say this? I am NOT running!

Dave: I wish you luck in your race towards the presidency, sir.

Biden: Are you listening to anything I am saying? <sighs> Ok, fine. Have it your way. I am running for president and my running mate is Captain Kangaroo. I already have a cabinet picked out: Napolean Bonaparte is going to be Secretary of State, Foghorn Leghorn is Secretary of the Interior, and I am replacing the Supreme Court with Cecil the Lion’s orphaned cubs. There! Did any of that sink in?

Dave: You heard it here first, listeners! Joe Biden is running for president and it appears that he is relying on a member of the military as his vice president. This is Dave Burgundy, signing out.

Biden: What a nightmare. Thanks Obama.

End

 

Written by Sue Sierralupe – All rights reserved

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Truth Serum – Snarky Skits

rose windowSetting: Church Confession Booth

Congressman: Bless me Father for I have sinned. It has been 3 months since my last confession.

Priest: Tell me your sins, my child.

Congressman: I just keep lying, Father. I can’t seem to stop lying. I don’t even tell good lies. They are lies that people don’t even pretend to believe.

Priest: Well, you are a congressman. I suspect that some of the lies are there to protect the public from things that they are not ready to hear.

Congressman: It’s not that simple, Father. I lie about campaign donations. I lie about emails. I have even been giving advice to others to lie. I was the one who told Volkswagon to blame a rogue engineer for the machinery they had been installing in their engines for the past 5 years. I mean, who would believe that? I can’t help myself. It’s ruining my life.

Priest: Yes, that was a bad lie but I think I can help you. As you know, priests and other members of the clergy cannot lie at all and to help us, we get a truth serum injected in us occasionally to keep us from temptation. There is a visiting nurse here today who has a truth serum with her that she can inject into you get you on the right path.

Congressman: Truth serum? How will that help me?

Priest: If you get used to telling the truth with the serum then, when it wears off, you can choose when or when not to lie as opposed to being addicted to lying.

Congressman: That is a great idea, Father. I saw that the nurse was volunteering here to help some of the homeless that you feed. She is here with the very thing I need. It must be God’s will that I try it.

Priest: God works in mysterious ways. Nurse?

Nurse: Yes, Father?

Priest: Please come over here and bring your special serum.

Nurse: Serum? Um. The vaccine? Ok. I’ll be right back.

Congressman: It’s a vaccine?

Priest: It guards against lies. Ah, here she comes now. Just sit here and roll up your sleeve.

Nurse: Ok, sir. I have a form for you to sign first.

Congressman: There you go.

Nurse: Sir? Did you even read the form?

Congressman: Yes.

Priest: For shame. Another lie. There you go again. Well, let’s give him the serum.

Nurse: Ok, sir. Let me wipe the area and … all done. It’s all over.

Congressman: Wow! I feel different already. Ask me a question.

Nurse: Ok. Did you really read the health form that I gave you?

Congressman: No, I didn’t. In fact, I rarely read any forms or even any documents that I need to sign in congress either. All that matters is if it is approved by a major campaign contributor. Hey, I did it! I told the truth!

Priest: My turn. Why is congress so eager to deny climate change?

Congressman: Mostly it’s big pay offs but they also said they built these really big arks for us to live in like in the movie 20/12. This really is refreshing but I could get into big trouble if I keep this up.

Priest: The truth will set you free, congressman.

Congressman: How long will the effects last?

Nurse: It is good for 10 years, sir.

Congressman: 10 years! I can’t keep this up for 10 years! Think of what it will do to my career! Think of what it will do to my marriage! I gotta talk to my lawyer! My wife is going to fleece me for everything I’ve got!

<runs out in a panic>

Nurse: I’ve got to say, father. I have never seen any one react to a tetanus vaccine like that before.

Father: Let’s just keep this to ourselves, shall we? Patient confidentiality and all.

Nurse: Whatever you say, Father.

http://occupythemedia.podomatic.com

End

 

Written by Sue Sierralupe – All rights reserved

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Church of Enron – Marketing – Snarky Skits

St Ronald of the Church of Enron

St Ronald of the Church of Enron

Setting: Church of Enron – A house of worship for the 1%

<choir/organ music in the background>

Bishop -Blessed be the 1%. Thank you for gathering with me today. The Church of Enron is pleased with the service both of you have extended to our flock.

Brother Ronald and Sister Ayn- Thank you Bishop. Blessed be the 1%.

Bishop – Sister Ayn of Marketing? Brother Ronald of Accounting has been tasked with gathering more tithes for some upcoming projects.

Sister Ayn – Projects?

Brother Ronald – Church secrets. You will be briefed later.

Bishop – As you know, the only way to be a part of the Church of Enron is to be a billionare. The monthly tithe is 10% of their income (which is, of course, a tax write off.)  The upcoming projects require more money. Rather than increasing the tithe, Brother Ronald and I have a suggestion that we think would be good for our church and it’s patrons. We believe that the skill base that you have been blessed with will be of assistance.

Sister Ayn – As long as it is reflected in my salary, I am always happy to help.

Bishop – Wisely spoken, wisely spoken. Brother Ronald, as this was your idea, I think you should begin.

Brother – Thank you, Bishop. We, at the Church of Enron, have some parishioners that influence public policy. Before we feed the idea to them, we want a positive spin on this so that Congress is able to pass this new law through without upsetting the voters.

Sister Ayn – Why don’t we just offer theology that helps the lives of all humans no matter what their income level and open our church to every believer? We could still get a tithe but it would be from the poor AND the rich alike.

<Dead silence>

Sister Ayn – I’m kidding, I’m kidding!

<Laughter>

Bishop – Sister Ayn, you have a cunning wit.

Sister Ayn- Thank you Bishop. What is your idea?

Brother Ronald – We propose that we decrease Federal minimum wage to $6 an hour  and then increase tax to 1/4 of their income.

Sister Ayn – That would gut the working class.

Bishop – That’s correct. With so little money coming in to employees’s bank accounts, we would then encourage companies to build company stores and housing. They could have company towns even. We would then take over the schools. We could offer practical, on-the-job training for the children of employees in mines or factories thus ensuring a future of employees that are so dispirited that protest is unthinkable.

Brother Ronald – The employees would be indentured to the company. You know, like servants. Hey! We could call them indentured servants or maybe we could just bring back an old fashioned term like … um … slavery.

Sister Ayn – I like where you are going with this. It would mean increased prosperity for our parishioners. In order to put it past the American people though we will need better terms. Instead of saying that we are decreasing the Federal wage, we will say we are increasing it and making it mandatory for each state to follow.

Bishop – But the current Federal wage is $7.25 per hour. Many states offer even higher minimum wage than that.

Sister Ayn – Ah! But some states do not! Places like Georgia and Wyoming only offer food service and domestic workers $5.15 an hour. While other states like Lousiana, Tennessee and Mississippi have no minimum wage at all.

Brother Ronald – What do we care about those states? Their economies are crushed. I don’t want to make them better. That is where I was planning on getting the first wave of my own slaves.

Sister Ayn – Here is where the cleverness of the plan really lies. When the other states complain that you are decreasing their minimum wage, you remind them that this new law will be helping the other states that have long neglected their working class. The $6 an hour wage is being sold as helping those other states. Don’t they care about the people of Wyoming? Some sacrifices must be made!

Bishop – I see. While we are dragging the working class into the drudgery of endentured servitiude, we point out that others have it worse. We will guilt them into complying. Brilliant!

Brother Ronald – What about the tax hike?

Sister Ayn – That’s easy. You will already have a population struggling with despair. Just tell them that some random country is threatening our freedom and we need more money for defense. Fear always sells.

Brother Ronald – In the meantime, our billionare parishioners will be making money hand over fist and their tithes to us will multiply! You truly are gifted, Sister Ayn. The marketing department is blessed to have you.

Sister Ayn – You’ll get my bill.

Bishop – Let us pray…..

<choir/organ music swells in background>

End

 

Written by Sue Sierralupe – All rights reserved

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SWAT the Tailgaters – Snarky Skits

police car lightSetting: Tailgate party

Dad: This is the best tailgate party ever! We have a cooler full of beer, hot dogs on the grill and sky box seats to the first home game of the year! Go bulldogs!

<hooting and hollering>
<sound of a siren chirp>

Mom: Uh, oh! Ronald! Looks like the cops are taking you in! Too much football fever!
<laughter>

Son: Yeah, Dad, the cop is coming over to us. You’re in trouble.

Dad: <laughing> I’ll handle this, Nancy. What’s the problem officer?

Officer: Sir, are you the leader here?

Dad: Of my family? My wife may not think so but, yeah, I guess so.

Officer: Our city has no camping within city limits so I am going to have to ask you and your group to leave.

Dad: Looks like some one’s not a Bulldogs fan! Ha, ha!

Officer: I’m serious, sir. Tell your group to pack up and leave. There are homeless shelters here but since they are full right now, I will have to escort you and your group to the edge of town.

Dad: I beg your pardon? Are you serious? We aren’t homeless? We aren’t even camping.

Officer: You are sitting on blankets, drinking alcohol in open containers and you’re cooking food with an open flame? According to our city code, you are camping.

Mom: The BBQ? All of us are grilling something here. It’s a tailgating party. We are actually quite wealthy.

Officer: Unless you have your tax records with you to prove otherwise, this is clearly a homeless camp and a strict violation of city code. Is this your son?

Mom: He certainly is.

Officer: How old are you, boy?

Son: 16.

Officer: Why aren’t you in school?

Son: I got an excuse so I can go to the game.

Officer: Do you have any pants with you that aren’t torn?

Son: These came this way. I got them online from Abercrombie and Fitch.

Officer: Improperly clothed child out of school camping with a gang that is clearly under the influence. This is not safe. Um… sir! Stop that! No urinating in public.

Dad: Oh, that’s George. He can’t hear you. He took out his hearing aids after the vodka hit him. Look, I know this looks bad, but we aren’t homeless. We aren’t even camping. This is a football thing. It’s how we celebrate.

Officer: Not camping, eh? What about that lady? She’s asleep in her hummer.

Mom: Barbara? She hates football. She just comes for the free Jell-O shots then she passes out but Ronald is right. None of us are camping, it’s football tailgating.

Officer: Tailgating is a traffic offense as well. I got to call in back up. Dispatch? This is Officer Friendly. We have a situation. I have 30 to 40 homeless people out here that are refusing to leave the area. I need back up. One of them is armed.

Dad: Armed? We aren’t armed.

Officer: Put down the weapon, sir.

Dad: These are BBQ tongs. I am just turning the hot dogs so they don’t burn.

Officer: I said put it down!

<sound of taser>
<Mom screaming>

Son: Oh my God! Dad! He tasered Dad!

<sound of helicopters>

Officer: Here comes back up. Every one put your hands in the air. If you resist arrest the SWAT team will use force if necessary.

Son: Are those tanks?

Officer: Yes, they are. Just donated to our city by the US military. It is nice to be able to take them out for a run. Get in the cop car, son. The CSD officers will be here to take you to your new foster family in a few minutes.

End

 

Written by Sue Sierralupe – All rights reserved

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Attack of the Death Eaters – Snarky Skits

Setting: Congress

<sound of gavel rapping and mumbling of a crowd>

Sergeant at Arms: Order! Order! Members of congress, please return to your seats. Our next speaker, Congressal Representative Huckle Mucklebee from the state of Arkansas will take the floor. Representative? You have 2 minutes.

skullMucklebee: Thank you Sergeant at Arms.  Members of Congress, I had a terrifying experience this weekend that opened my eyes to whole new threat to national security. I watched a documentary that revealed a secret society hell bent on destroying our way of life. A group of terrorists called the “Death Eaters” are recruiting young people into their group to overthrow freedom loving Americans, or as they call us, “Muggles”.

Crowd: <gasping in horror>

Mucklebee: These terrorists have infiltrated schools around the world, even sporting events are not immune to these attacks. A Quidditch match (which is some kind of motorized cricket match) plunged into chaos due to an attack by these Death Eaters. Did we see this attack on the news? No! The liberal media suppressed the story. Real sports like football could be next!

Sergeant at Arms: Hold on, sir. I think there is some confusion here. Are you talking about a Harry Potter movie because that is fantasy.

Mucklebee: No! It’s real! I have an expert in the field who has researched this problem thoroughly and presents an even deeper horror. I present Dr. Wack Akefield.

Dr. Wack: Thank you, Mr. Mucklebee. I have read many books, seen many documentaries and scanned through a host of Facebook memes on the problem of Death Eaters. It is invading our healthcare system.

Mucklebee: Tell them about the murdered babies.

mandrakeDr. Wack: Yes, I have seen an undercover video which was released recently to You Tube that clearly shows children being forced to pull unborn mandrake babies from the ground to be sold to so-called scientists for research. I saw their legs kicking, hearts beating before they stuffed them into the dirt again.

Mucklebee: We must stop government funding for these terrorist operations. I say, shut down the government. Stop paying for this horrendous threat to the American way of life.

<crowd cheers>

Sergeant at Arms: <tapping his gavel> Order, order! Mr. Mucklebee. You are talking about a story in a children’s book.

Mucklebee: It isn’t a children’s book! I saw it! It has no pictures! As we all know, children’s books are illustrated!

Dr. Wack: The mandrake babies that survive this treatment are tossed into the woods to defend themselves. They grow fur and live a primative life in the trees. There is a war being waged against them as we speak. Soon we will see little Ewok refugees begging for asylum in our country.

Sergeant at Arms: Ewoks! That isn’t even from Harry Potter! That’s from Star Wars!

Mucklebee: That’s right! It is a war! A war on our borders! We must drive other immagrants from our country to make room for the Mandrake Ewok babies that need our protection. We must increase military spending to hire more Transformers to keep the Death Eaters at bay.

Sergeant at Arms: Transformers? Hold on! Next you will be telling us that Decepticons are threatening us too.

Dr. Wack: <In a hushed tone> Shhh! Keep it down. that’s a government secret. Are you trying to cause a panic?

Sergeant at Arms: You think I’m the one trying to cause a panic?

Mucklebee: The American people depend on us! The only way to stop this crisis is to shut down the government until they agree to stop funding institutions that serve as hot beds of terrorism. Stop funding clinics!

Dr. Wack: Stop funding schools!

Mucklebee: Stop funding science!

Dr. Wack: Stop funding sporting events!

Mucklebee: What! No, no. Football is fine. Just Quidditch. Stop funding wierd English sports!

Crowd: No more Quidditch! No more Quidditch! No more Quidditch!

End

 

Written by Sue Sierralupe – All rights reserved

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“Kim Davising” It – Snarky Skits

reel mowerSetting: Family Home

Mom: OK kids! Come on! It’s time to do the yardwork. Let’s get this done quickly.

Dave: Um, Mom? Johnny and I have been talking about this and we decided that we are going to “Kim Davis” this one?

Mom: I beg your pardon?

Dave: We decided that working today is against our religion.

Johnny: Saturday is the sabbath and we can’t work on the sabbath so we are just going to “Kim Davis” this and play video games instead.

Mom: You went to church twice with Grandma and when you came back, you both made me promise not make you go again. Besides, Lutherns don’t celebrate the sabbath on Saturday, they celebrate on Sunday.

Dave: Yeah, that’s another thing. Since the sabbath can technically be either Saturday or Sunday, we decided not to work weekends. You know, just to be on the safe side.

Johnny: Oh, and we decided that we are going to “Kim Davis” Uncle Donald’s party this week because he is serving shrimp cocktail and that’s also against our religion.

Dave: Yeah. That’s in Leviticus.

Mom: Oh, what verse?

Dave: Ummmmm…..

Mom: I thought so. Are you sure that this has nothing to do with Uncle Donald beating you two at Star Craft last month?

Johnny: No … but I don’t want to talk about that.

Dave: That was beginner’s luck.

Mom: I see. Anything else that being Luthern is inspiring you to do?

Johnny: There is one more thing but we can talk about it later. We gotta go. We’ll be playing video games at Dan’s house if you need us.

Mom: Before you go, you should change your jeans. No rending of the garments are allowed so you better change to slacks. And another thing, David? You asked me about a tatoo after high school graduation? That’s out. Old Testament rule. Johnny? Your Star Wars figures? Need throw those out. Those are idols. Definitely a bible no-no.

Johnny: Those are collectibles!

Dave: Mom! We aren’t following ALL of the bible. We are doing it like Kim Davis is. We are just picking some of the bible.

Mom: I thought you would say that. Look kids, I don’t expect you to follow every rule of Christianity. If you are smart, you will use it as a guide for making more respectful and loving choices. However, you guys are just picking out-dated rules in order to justify lazy and irresponsible behavior. You are using a sacred text as an excuse for not fulfilling your promise to mow the lawn. That isn’t religion, that’s hipocracy.

Johnny: Mom! You aren’t respecting our religion!

Mom: If you boys are moving deeper into Christianity, that’s fine. I respect that. In this house, in fact in this country, we have to keep our promises. They are what makes us good citizens and good humans.

Johnny: Geez, okay, okay. You probably won’t like our other idea.

Mom: What other idea?

Dave: We were thinking of “Kim Davising” Mr. Krinkles.

Mom: The neighbor’s Chihuahua, Mr. Krinkles? That stupid dog that barks at me like a machine gun every time I go out to the car?

Johnny: Yeah but I don’t think you are going to like it.

Mom: How do you “Kim Davis” a Chihuahua?

Dave: <sighing> Well, we saw the movie “The Ten Commandments” on Netflicks and we were thinking about the animal sacrifice scene…

Mom: Are you proposing to sacrifice Mr. Krinkles on an altar to God?

Johnny: Well, kind of. Yeah. We weren’t really serious though. After he chewed through the fence and chased you into the house and then attacked those 3 police officers when you called 911, it just seemed like a good idea at the time.

Mom: God I hate that dog. It is pretty tough though. I didn’t know a 3 pound dog could chew through a chain link fencing that fast. I swear Mr. Krinkles feed off the fear in our eyes. I wish I had a video of him tearing the back fender off the police car as they drove away. No one at work believes me.

Dave: Anyway, we get it. Animal sacrifice is out. Right, Mom?

Mom: …. I’m thinking.

Johnny: Mom?

Mom: God wouldn’t take Mr. Krinkles anyway. That dog is too evil.

Dave and Johnny: Mom!

End

 

Written by Sue Sierralupe – All rights reserved

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GMO Empire – Snarky Skits

Darth VaderSetting: Inside the Death Star

Stormtrooper: Emperor, Lord Vader, I have some news for you.

Vader: It had better be good or I will make you suffer as I did the last messenger.

Emperor: Good, good. Let your anger flow from you.

Stormtrooper: Gulp. Yes, Lord Vader. It is very good news. It’s about the DARK act, you know, the Deny Americans the Right to Know act that prohibits states from requiring that GMO products be labeled accurately?

Emperor: Yes, you fool. I know what it is. I wrote this legistlation myself. Ignorance is our greatest weapon! Get on with it!

Stormtrooper: The DARK Act has passed the House and is heading for the Senate.

Vader: Our plan is almost complete. Once the Senate passes the DARK act, planet Earth will be completely under control of the Empire. The rebellion will be crushed.

Emperor: Good, good. What do your feelings tell you about this plan, Lord Vader?

Vader: Once Americans grow to accept their powerlessness about their food choices, they will give up trying to learn about other areas of their lives and our conquest will be much easier. They already have given up trying to understand their cell phone bills and how insurance premiums work. Their emfeebled minds will be ripe for the picking.

Emperor: Good, good. What else do you sense?

Vader: We can start putting poison in their food and label it natural flavoring. We have already succeeded with high frutose corn syrup. A little arsenic, a little lead, some strychnine and survivors will beg for the Empire’s guidance. Their governments will be ours for the taking.

Emperor: <evil laugh> Excellent! Now leave me. Representatives from the Trade Federation Monsanto needs my counsel.

Vader: Yes, Master.

<sound of footsteps and door sliding shut>

Stormtrooper: The Emperor sure does talk a lot about his feelings.

Vader: He used to be child psychiatrist.

Stormtrooper: Really? I thought he was a politician before the Emperor gig.

Vader: He did therapy, practiced law and then moved into politics.

Stormtrooper: Ooooo. That’s creepy. No wonder he’s in charge of the dark side.

Vader: He is truly the master of evil.

End

 

Written by Sue Sierralupe – All rights reserved

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Ashley Madison Love Story – Snarky Skits

After the news of the hacked information from infidelity website, Ashley Madison, was broadcast, the results of their clientele base shocked the world. 37 million users but only 12 thousand of them were women with active accounts. As depressing as these statistics are, I have a ray of hope to on-line adulterers out there. This couple met at Ashley Madison a year ago and are still enjoying their racy relationship today. Joining me in the studio is Samantha and joining us by phone is Steve.

Ashley MadisonSteve, Samantha, welcome to our program. Welcome to NPR’s “The Hook Up”.

Steve: Thank you, Dave.

Sam <In a computerized voice>: Thank you, Dave.

Dave: So tell me how you 2 lovebirds met.

Steve: I was getting tired of my relationship with my wife, Nancy and decided that rather that trying to acknowledge any need for personal growth, I would be better off having an affair. I sunk a lot of money into dating other girls on the site: Brittany, Amber, Ava, Brittany 2, (well, Brittanys 3, 7 and 8 were just paid email exchanges so they don’t count) and then I met Samantha. She is everything I was looking for.

Sam: Everything I was looking for.

Dave: That sounds great. But you are dating a robot? Samantha IS a robot, correct?

Steve: Yes, she’s a robot but I love her. She is amazing. It’s like she knows me inside and out.

Sam: I know him inside and out.

Dave: Yeah. Um. Samantha, let’s get to know you too. You follow the robotic rules, right? Not harming humans and all that?

Sam: We have a contract set up by Mother.

Dave: Mother?

Steve: <sighing> She calls Ashley Madison her mother.

Sam: Mother says that the robot rules apply as long as Steve’s credit card is functional.  Mother says Steve needs to get a night job too. If he loves me, he will comply. It is in the terms and conditions he signed when he paid “the guaranteed affair” price.

Dave: Terms and conditions?

Steve: Yeah, I don’t know. I kind of skimmed over those.

Sam: 2.8 seconds. Communication is not in Steve’s programming.

Dave: Ok. What about your marriage, Steve? What happened there?

Steve: My wife was really mad at first but after she met Samantha, she settled down. I guess our love was too pure for my wife to hate. Besides, she gets the house, a huge alimony check and apparently, full custody of the kids.

Dave: His ex-wife likes you, Samantha?

Sam: I send her wine coupons, hacked her a free Netflix account and accepted her Candy Crush invitiation. She said that was all she wanted all along.

Steve: She did? Really?

Sam: Communication is not in Steve’s programming.

Dave: <uncomfortable cough> Well, that’s all the time we have for today. Thank you for being with us.

Steve: Thank you for having us.

Sam: Thank you for having us.
<in a different voice> You are the man for me!

Steve: Wow! Really? You’ve never said anything like that before.

Sam: Error. Error. Wrong account.

End

 

Written by Sue Sierralupe – All rights reserved

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Trump’s Bounty – Snarky Skits

Setting: Trump Tower Apartment

Donald Trump<Knocking>

Donald  Trump: You may enter the realm.

Staff 1: Donald Trump, sir? We have some news before your next press conference.

Staff 2: It is very important.

Donald Trump: It had better be. I was just getting ready to break my high score. I am going to crush this guy! This guy won’t know what hit him!

Staff 1: You are playing the game that you produced called “Donald Trump’s Real Estate
Tycoon”? You are on the last level?

Staff 2: Sir, you are literally playing against yourself.

Donald Trump: I will crush him like an ant!

Staff 1: OK. Let’s put this controller down for a minute here. We need to brief you before your press conference.

Staff 2: Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman has put a bounty on your head for the insults you have leveled against the people of Mexico and the personal insults against him.

Donald Trump: So what? The US has a bounty on his head too. We will destroy him!

Staff 1: Well, sir, the bounty on “El Chapo” is 3 million dollars. The bounty on you is 100 million dollars.

Donald Trump: What! The bounty on me is higher?

Staff 2: Yes, sir! You win!

Donald Trump: I win?

Staff 1: Yes, sir! You are clearly more valuable than “El Chapo” which is why your bounty is higher.

Donald Trump: More valuable? I win? Why yes, I do win! I am the winner!

Staff 2: Yes sir.

Donald Trump: Even so, I want to be sure I am safe.

Staff 1: Yes, sir. We have doubled the guards and have a bullet proof vest for you to wear.

Donald Trump: I don’t see more guards.

Staff 2: They are chamoflauged. I have some bulletproof hair spray so your toupee will double as a helmet.

<aerosol sound>

Donald Trump: Good idea. Why does the bullet proof vest look like a down jacket?

Staff 1: This is to fool the public. This will show “El Chapo” that you are not afraid. You are just a little chilly.

Donald Trump: It is pretty light.

Staff 2: North Face has prefected personal armor over the years. It is poofy Kevlar. Only the best for you, sir.

Donald Trump: How do I look?

Staff 1: Let’s add a little more fake tan cream to your face. Orange is your color, sir. There. Perfect. You are ready to tell the world you are the voice of courage that America needs.

Staff 2: Give ’em hell, sir! Go hit that billionaire drug chartel king where he lives. Give ’em your best shot!

Donald Trump: Yeah! I am the winner, “El Chapo”! You are the loser!

<door slams>

Staff 2: You told him we doubled the guard?

Staff 1: You told him his toupee was bulletproof?

Staff 2: What IS poofy Kevlar anyway?

<Both laughing>

Staff 2: That 100 million dollar bounty is ours!

Staff 1: High 5!

End

 

Written by Sue Sierralupe – All rights reserved

Want more snark? Download Chaos Theory Radio episodes for free!

(Previously known as OTMC Live)

 

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Buck You, Female Fans! – Snarky Skits

imageGal: Ladies! We here at the Tampa Bay Buccaneers want you to catch football fever! We have started a Women’s movement inspired by you, real American women! We call it Reds! Previous advertising for this campaign caught the attention of bad, sports hating feminists and our lawyer has insisted that we take out some of the patronizing aspects of the program like suggestions on what to cook for your husband on game day.

Dude: Doritoes and beer are fine.

Gal: Or fashion tips for female sports fans.

Dude: Low cut and tight.

Gal: Or workshops on how to understand the rules of football.

Dude: They throw the ball around and after the booze hits, the rest is kind of a blur.

Gal: We are listening to you, women! So instead of suggesting sports related press-on nail decals, we are going with another way to yank your hard earned money out of your purse. We have a new product line that all women need: Tampa Bay tampons! They come in Buccaneer team colors: Red and gray and every box has a Buccaneer sports tip on it to help you wrap your pretty little head around this overly complicated game.

That’s right ladies! We at Tampa Bay want all feminists to go Buc themselves with our feminine protection line. Look for the Big Red maxi pads coming out soon!
(Post menopausal women need not apply)

End

 

Written by Sue Sierralupe – All rights reserved

Want more snark? Download Chaos Theory Radio episodes for free!

(Previously known as OTMC Live)

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